Happy New Year!

I really created a monster when I gave my holiday greeting card business to the Gnomes. They have branched out to include New Years cards. This one is supposed to corner the Chinese market.

Since they don't know Chinese, they used an internet language converter for the Chinese characters. Heaven only knows what it really says. Probably something like, send me a million pairs of socks.

Now this one is truly spooky. The Gnomes resemblance to the Mayan calendar makes me want to hide under the bed. I'm not sure how big the Mayan market for cards really is considering by their reckoning, the world is ending in December 2012.

Thankfully this is for the home market.

Happy 2010 everyone!

Abracadabra

Made the last visit to my favorite bookstore for 2009. Front and center and just inside the door was a giant table filled with diet books. Frankly, I can't see what's so mysterious about losing weight that we need fourteen gillion different books about it. It's really just simple math.

Calories in minus calories burned equals change in weight. Easy peasy.

What we really need is a magic spell. I have two. Neither works all the time, but they both work some of the time. Here they are.

1. Step away from the _____. Fill in the blank. For me it's black licorice and potato chips.

2. Get your butt off the couch and go_____. This must involve some form of physical activity. Mine is walking.

My problem is I'm generally walking to the car to get more black licorice and potato chips.

Nothing Personal...

News Headline: 'Personal matter' summons ambulance to Obama compound

Sorry Mr. President, you gave up "Personal Matters" when you ran for office. That's evidenced by a little incident that happened to one of your predecessors.

Nope, we get to know everything that happens anywhere around you. In return, you get our confidence and respect. Oh, and some really snazzy Christmas decorations.

Guilty as Charged

Parents scrimp and save to send their children to college so they may someday earn a good living. This is one result of all that highfalutin schooling.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Totally worth it.

New Year's Resolutions

Turn on any TV station and you'll instantly know what time of year it is. That's because every other commercial is pushing a diet plan or piece of exercise equipment. They're getting a jump on the new leaf everyone's shortly going to turn.

Strange folks have already started showing up on the walking trail in the park. You know the folks I mean; the ones who are "really going to do it" this year. I've gotten pretty good at picking the ones I'll see again, and those I won't.

It's an attitude thing. The folks with a spring in their step, enjoying the scenery and fresh air, will be back. The ones staring at the ground, putting one foot in front of another like they're going to the gallows, will develop fifty excuses why they can't do it.

I'm pretty sure the guy munching the Big Mac got lost looking for a short-cut to the ice cream store.

"Ah, music. A magic far beyond all we do here!" Albus Dumbledore

From the silly:



To the sublime.



Be grateful. Support Staff suggested dogs barking jingle bells.

Merry Christmas!

Music to live by.

Luminous

One Sunday evening every December, this neighborhood presents a luminary display. For the first time in memory, snow covered the ground.

Luminaries are small white bags with sand and a votive candle in the bottom. Everyone lights their candles just after dark.

Nearly every house is decorated; some simple, some more elaborate.

This home backs up to a pond. Cheery lights strung along the fence get reflected in the water.

Neighborhood volunteers place lights in the common areas. The candles cast this lovely glow for about three hours.

Like every good Christmas parade, this one ends with Santa and his reindeer.

Lights, camera, action!

Love them tech heads.

Frosty the Snowman

It's very unusual to look out our back window at a winter wonderland. Having had plenty of warning, there's good food in the frig, interesting books on the table, and warm quilts and plump pillows on the couch.

I love winter in Carolina. Why? Because within two days, the sun will clear the walk and driveway without any participation by me.

So...all together now...

Gnomes gone Wild

Based on yesterdays award of my holiday card business, the Gnome's marketing department has run amok. Received this startling suggestion for changes to my personal decorating space. I raised an immediate objection.

Support Staff, the CEO and President of Gnome World, pointed out the block of blue cheese under the tree. It's that big blue thing there, on the right.

Support Staff was quick to refute my suggestion that it was a bribe.

The block was smelly and extremely tempting. Still, I had to decline. The timing, not to mention the size, seemed unethical. It was hard to turn down, I do love blue cheese.

Staff Support grunted, grabbed the cheese, and muttering something about getting to the store before it softened further, ran for the door.

Can't wait to see what the Gnomes leave under the tree for me on Christmas morning.

Ho, ho, huh?

In a sneaky move meant to delegate my holiday to-do list, I asked Support Staff to get some Christmas cards to send out. He said he'd design some. All I could think was; here we go.

Later that day I got an email. This is it.

M,
In the spirit of corporate greed, Santa's workshop was downsized and Santa laid off. His work has been outsourced to the Gnome franchise.

Five holiday card designs are available. They represent your love of Santa, reindeer, gardening, cake, pirates and rum. Blue cheese dressing didn't work out.

Let me know how many of each you want printed.
Support Staff


That's a lump of coal Santa's holding. Couldn't wait to see the rest of the designs.



Well, okay not so bad.


Christmas in Florida apparently. Too green. Too hot.


This just made me hungry.


This is more like it. Definitely the one.

Print 'em up matey.

"Bah, humbug!"- Ebenezer Scrooge

Right about now, I'm feeling very put upon. Christmas is eleven days away and there's a long list of things still to do. Somehow I seem to have less days to prepare, as compared to other people. So I'm reviewing my list to see what gets chopped.

Christmas cards-Well no. I like to wish my family and friends Happy Holidays.
Christmas shopping- No again. I like to give gifts.
Gift Wrapping- Well that would just be silly.
Christmas cookies- Absolutely no. I love Christmas cookies.
Tree decorating- Already done.
House Decorating- Ditto. This is harder than I thought.
House Cleaning- There it is.

I knew there was something to cross off the list.

Jack the Dog

Walking in the park today. This pony disguised as a dog approaches with a rosy cheeked lady in tow. The lady calls ahead, "Don't be afraid if he barks. He does it all the time."

Nearly upon us, the dog croons a joyous hello. He was so darn charming, we had to stop and introduce ourselves. After a cheerful scratch on the head (by us), a sniff at our nether regions (by him), and an enthusiastic slobber on the chin (again by him), we wished Jack and his companion a pleasant day.

As we parted, Jack caroled a pleasant little tune. Although the Support Staff is skeptical, I'm pretty sure it was 'Dashing through the snow.'

"We will bury you"- Nikita Khrushchev

News headline: Rocket, not Santa, blamed for Norway spiral

Now isn't this interesting. Our President just happens to be flying to Norway to receive the Nobel Peace Prize today. Time and place of the award pretty much known.

Russia blasts off a rocket from somewhere in the vicinity about the time his plane is going over. Now a really suspicious person might wonder if there was any connection.

A suspicious person might also wonder if the Russians would have owned-up if the rocket hadn't failed so spectacularly and been seen by anyone in Norway with a window.

We'll never know the truth, of course, about where our President's plane was as the missile was launched. After all, that would breach U.S. Security.

Our Secret Service would never let that happen.

Rascals and Royals, Oh My!

Book-Fiction: The Devlin Diary by Christi Phillips

This book was on the shelves for some months before I picked it up. It's an historical mystery blended with a modern setting. It's about an American female history professor who takes a one year guest teaching position at Cambridge, England. While there, she researches an intriguing historical mystery.

The historical characters do the heavy-lifting in the book, with occasional look-forwards at the life of the female professor.

By the end of the book, the historical mystery is solved, and the female professor has taken a tiny step forward in her romantic relationship with an interesting and infuriating Cambridge Don.

I really liked the set up, the mystery, and the entwining of the historical and modern day stories. It's a blend of romance and mystery, with royalty and rascals in both periods, and probably a woman's book more than a man's.

Realizing The Devlin Diary was a sequel to an earlier story, I picked up the first book in the series. Titled The Rossetti Letter, it also blends historical mystery with the modern day story of the American female professor and the Cambridge Don. The story is set in Venice, Italy.

I liked it too, though I have to say, the author's story telling skill is stronger in her second book. Which means nothing but good, for her future readers.

"Yes Master"- Genie

News headline: Karzai-U.S.must have patience if Afghanistan not ready

Loosely translated: I demand more time to steal money from you stupid suckers.

I try not to be political. Honesty I do.

But sometimes my cynicism is simply beyond my control.

"It's the Real Thing"- Coca Cola

There's this guy in New Zealand and he had some time on his hands. He looked around and decided to do some recycling.

Did I mention he's an engineer. His wife liked this one best.

Support Staff never saw a flat fender jeep he didn't like.

As for me, I'll take the red one.

"Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth"-John Gillespie Magee, Jr

My one hundredth post. I thought it should be awesome. So naturally, I stole awesome from someone else.

The Space Shuttle Endeavour breaking the sound barrier.

Nerdy cool.

"Stupify"-Neville Longbottom

Today I was hijacked. Rather my computer was hijacked. By my security software!

I accidentally updated the Avast security software. It immediately flagged my files as trojans. Then it steadfastly refused to be uninstalled.

I immediately called the Wizard of Odd to fix things. After hours of equally devious hacking, stealthy maneuvering, not to mention some swear words I hadn't heard before, he was forced to cede the field of battle.

I was shocked, I tell you, shocked!! The Wizard is computer guy extraordinaire. He's also as bull-headed as they come. He's a Taurus after all. He never gives up.

After thrashing around his office half the night, he found out Avast had purposely turned into pirates. And not the rascally pirates I generally like, but the evil, villainous, fraudster kind everyone hates.

Their "update" infected millions of users. They said it was an accident. Yeah, right. And if you believe that, there's some land in Prague for sale you can see at low tide.

The good news is, the Wizard conquered it. My hero!

"Git 'er done"- Larry the Cable Guy

Thoughts on our President's speech.

He's a wonderful speaker, he is.
He's very smart, that's clear.
He believes what he says, he does.
I want to believe him too, I do.
All evidence to the contrary, I would.

The one thing I liked, that pretty much everyone else hated, was the deadline. Let's face it, if Afghanistan hasn't gotten its act together in eight years, it's unlikely to do it in eight more. While I would rather see everyone home next week, eighteen months is probably the least bad alternative.

As a benchmark:
American Revolution, July, 1776 to Oct., 1781--5 years.
World War I, July, 1914 to Nov., 1918-----------4 years.
World War II, Sept., 1939 to Sept., 1945--------6 years.
Vietnam War, Sept., 1959 to April, 1975-------16 years.
Afghanistan War, Oct., 2001 to present---------8 years.

I'm not sure what we get when it's over, except a limitless supply of heroin. But then again, maybe that's what we wanted all along.

Hey, I know that guy!

I love trucks. And I'm not alone. There's this really smart Swedish guy who loves them even more than me. This is one of his new beauties.


He's also as green as they come. Not literally, you understand, but environmentally. I've met him a time or two, and know it to be true.

Hi Leif!